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August 2008 
The Beginning of the End of Self-Injury
Posted on Jan 20th, 2008
by 
Nicole
Nicole
I have self-injured for as long as I can remember: from hitting to hair pulling to all out cutting. Experts say that self-injury is a way for people to cope when they do not know how to handle the intense emotions that they feel. Others say that people become addicted to the endorphins they feel when they are injured.
I'm here to tell you, that what the experts say doesn't even begin to sum it up. "Intense emotions" is the understatement of a lifetime. There are times when I lay in bed thinking that I am crazy, dwelling on the things that are making me feel miserable. The pressure, the need, to cut feels like a panic attack (which it can turn into sometimes). It gets hard to breathe, hard to think. My brain tells me that the only way to end this torture, this panicked horrible helpless feeling, is to cut.
It's hard not to give in when I know that it will take only a few minutes to feel completely normal again, but I also know that if I do cut, I will feel guilty. I am ashamed of myself for giving in. I am scared that someone will find out. I am terrified that next time I'll cut too deep. Even with all of those feelings though, I do feel better. It's a strange kind of bittersweet release, but I am free from the panic and the racing thoughts and the feeling that the world is closing in.
On Wednesday I meet with the counselor at my college. This will be the second time that I've reached out for help with this. The first time I told my doctor that I thought I was depressed (HA!) and she gave me antidepressents. These made me sick, dizzy to the point of passing out which was not good when I was working since I worked at a store and was on a ladder for 90% of my shift. I told her that the pills were making me sick, and she got defensive, saying that I had vertigo or an inner ear infection or something. I quit taking the pills after that and the dizziness went away. I haven't taken them since and it's been about three years now.
Probably quitting taking those pills was a bad thing to do. That's probably why I get panic attacks in the middle of the night and why the world closes in around me. That is probably why my upper arm looks like it's covered in a spider-web of white scars.
I am trying again, because I scare myself now. I am reaching out to someone who can hopefully help me. I want to quit this...to gain control back of my life. I need to, or I'm going to end of slipping up. Once is all it takes. I don't want to die. Not yet.
<3 Nicole
I'm here to tell you, that what the experts say doesn't even begin to sum it up. "Intense emotions" is the understatement of a lifetime. There are times when I lay in bed thinking that I am crazy, dwelling on the things that are making me feel miserable. The pressure, the need, to cut feels like a panic attack (which it can turn into sometimes). It gets hard to breathe, hard to think. My brain tells me that the only way to end this torture, this panicked horrible helpless feeling, is to cut.
It's hard not to give in when I know that it will take only a few minutes to feel completely normal again, but I also know that if I do cut, I will feel guilty. I am ashamed of myself for giving in. I am scared that someone will find out. I am terrified that next time I'll cut too deep. Even with all of those feelings though, I do feel better. It's a strange kind of bittersweet release, but I am free from the panic and the racing thoughts and the feeling that the world is closing in.
On Wednesday I meet with the counselor at my college. This will be the second time that I've reached out for help with this. The first time I told my doctor that I thought I was depressed (HA!) and she gave me antidepressents. These made me sick, dizzy to the point of passing out which was not good when I was working since I worked at a store and was on a ladder for 90% of my shift. I told her that the pills were making me sick, and she got defensive, saying that I had vertigo or an inner ear infection or something. I quit taking the pills after that and the dizziness went away. I haven't taken them since and it's been about three years now.
Probably quitting taking those pills was a bad thing to do. That's probably why I get panic attacks in the middle of the night and why the world closes in around me. That is probably why my upper arm looks like it's covered in a spider-web of white scars.
I am trying again, because I scare myself now. I am reaching out to someone who can hopefully help me. I want to quit this...to gain control back of my life. I need to, or I'm going to end of slipping up. Once is all it takes. I don't want to die. Not yet.
<3 Nicole
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