Change comes slowly...but it does come

I've been working hard on my life. Restructuring it so that it is a happy place to be. It hasn't been easy to say the least. Organizing my life has forced me to get rid of someone that I love very much, but who just wasn't good for me. After two years of being at his side, I walked away from Shawn, and it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. For the first couple weeks I was a wreck beyond recognition. Pathetic, laying on the couch crying all day.

Since removing his negativity from my life, however, I am now able to see some things that I could not see before. He was pulling me down into the deep waters, and holding me there until I was on the brink of breaking down, because this was where he wanted me. He liked watching me struggle. He enjoyed making me cry. What kind of life could I ever have had with him? How could I ever work to improve myself if my efforts were going to be undermined by his abuse? I still love him, I'm sure I always will in some way, but I could never allow myself to get better if I was still under attack.

Quitting self-injury is an ongoing process, one that is taking less and less effort over time. There are still some nights when I am gripped with the unshakable urge to, but as I delve deeper into myself I am learning ways to get through those attacks. I am still not there yet, I don't think I will be for a long time, but there is change and it is like the first light of dawn for me.